Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I need your vote!!

If you're one of my Friends - and I know you are - then you already know I'm trying to get a position on one of Palin's Death Panels. This job really appeals to me on many levels and since I'm remote from Cadence now I think I can squeeze this into my schedule.

I love the name of these End of Life Decision Making Boards of Supervisors and besides trying to get job on one may co-opt "Death Panel" for the name of a new band. I can't decide whether the band should be Death Metal, a five member boy band or a new Christian Rock group. I'm leaning toward a Christian Rock Death Metal Boy Band amalgamation approach. I'm going to need four strapping young 6'0"+ muscular blue-eyed blond haired man-boys dressed in all black and jackboots wearing a distorted cross on one arm and one very effeminate 5'5 slight portly illegal Mexican immigrant for the group just so no one is sure what the hell is going on. Hugo Boss will be supplying our clothing. I'm betting that we'll be at least as successful as Faith+1. I can't wait for that first myrrh album award.

Of course, I'm sure that everyone on the death panel will need masked and robed to keep our identities hidden lest we find ourselves the victim of blow back from killing off senile old crippled people, unwanted crack babies and people we just aren't really that into of or who piss us off by mowing their damn grass way way way too early on a Saturday morning.

I'm thinking Darth Vader here. Maybe we can use the same get up with the band - all black, we'd just need the armbands. Either way, I've always wanted my own Star Wars costume for Halloween, weddings and to wear while acting like a complete jackass trying to get on Versus running along some doper up a climb that I've no interest in pronouncing the name of properly since everyone should speak and spell American. I figure it could help convince Kris to get one of those Princess Leia getups from Jaba's sand skimmer rig scene too. Yea, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm not really sure how to go about getting on a Death Panel exactly though. I've been on Monster and Careerbuilder searching for a posting but nada. Maybe the stimulus check on this job creation platform hasn't been processed yet. I did see something for Solar Panels and figure they could be turned into some sort of James Bond Death Ray Panels which is close, but not exactly the same thing. I did an international search too just in case Palin Panels are actually going to be held on foreign soil.

Why international you say? Well, get this, I just found out that we can completely hide all record of their existence and won't be held to any annoying laws or inconvenient foundations supporting our democracy like the Bill of Rights or the Constitution of the United States of America if we run them in places like Cuba and Diego Garcia. I know, I know, hard to believe but its true!! I mean who could conceive of doing such a thing, right?

See the reason this works is that, apparently, our morals and convictions end as soon as we're over international waters - you can feel them lifting like a heavy wool small pox blanket gifted to an Incan baby, I'm told. Who knows how many of these folks we'll need put out of our misery by forced drownings or some other death inducing apparatus so getting Palin Panels off US soil is the best bet. I can't imagine that the government of the United States of America could ever condone that sort of action so we better make sure to keep these hidden from view.

But I'm still not sure how to get myself on a Death Panel. Application and interview? By appointment only? By vote? Maybe that's the best way we can organize these panels, by voting. If we all vote on who is on them then we can make sure that every person on Palin Panels (have you caught on to what I'm doing here - the way this works is that if you say it enough times it is true) is there to do the work of all and will not be influenced by any outside forces other than what is best for the country and what the vast majority of their constituents want. Voting for these positions will ensure that it will take much more than just yelling and screaming to thwart intelligent passioned debate over what is certainly a touchy subject.

See, there are all sorts of good reasons to get on a Palin Panel so I implore you; vote for me!! As long as you pay me lots of money in advance, when your name comes up in the Loom of Fate I'll just throw in a little sleight of hand to make sure Ang doesn't curve any bullets in your direction. Oh, umm, wait...

Please Sarah, don't pull back on the blatant lie spewing hate mongering completely misinformed rhetoric just when you have turned the tide on effective constructive and useful debate. I'm super excited by this new vocational opportunity and don't want to see it disappear like the opportunity to be a WMD inspector in Iraq.

I'm off to sacrifice someone to Coalemus now.

Don't Panic, It Ain't Real

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Home (but not) Alone

Some folks know this and some folks don't, some they gonna care and some they won't, but I'm remote from Cadence now. That's right, no more soul destroying commuting for me. Maybe I'll even ride my bike now and then again. Way less dinero too, but we're okay with trading that for things like:

Actually seeing my wife and kid - nice to know they didn't leave me

Not ending every day wanting to kill myself or someone else - thankfully I don't own a gun

The opportunity to step up to Trans-Sylvania...and perhaps some other stuff, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more

Not having strangers raise our kid completely - just once or twice a week

Sleep - one week in without the commute and associated morass and I'm already sleeping better than I have in four years

Health - 20+lb gain in two years and all the above...makes a man dead inside and out

So, its a new chapter in life here in Chez Kuhn.

I'm going to miss working with the other coaches on a daily basis. When you're surrounded with people who share your passion and commitment you definitely feed off of it. There are some new guys down there in Philly who are just kickass too and I'm hopeful that I can stay a part of their development as they've a lot to offer once they learn how all this works.

What I won't miss is the commuting. A car that's falling apart - literally - the muffler fell off a while back - is no place to spend 3-4 hours of my day. Speaking of that I'm pretty pissed about the Cars for Clunkers thing.

Fifteen years ago I figured out a car that would be really good on mileage and work for me. I've driven that thing into the ground. Now every time I fill up its "gimme 10 gallons in the tank and two quarts of oil"...seriously, the thing uses/burns/leaks/Idon'teffinknow oil like its going out of style. Hopefully it is. New the car got 33-ish with bikes on the roof - usually between two and five. Now it might get 25/gal with nothing on the roof and a good stiff tailwind. I made that car work for everything too. Need to get three bikes inside and everything I needed to live for three months in Arizona? (Damn it was nice to drive across the country when gas was $.98, good times, good times.) No problem, rip out all the seats and stuff it all inside. Still averaged 29-30 mpg on that trip even loaded down like an SUV.

Now, she's gotta go. Besides the aforementioned environmental/economic impact of this thing its just too small and so we're going mini-van. BUT, because, once upon a time, the car got decent mileage no CfC for me - even though the car is now, without a doubt, a full blown POS clunker and needs to desperately come off the road. I bought a car that got good mileage because I thought it important for the environment - now I'm screwed. That's completely fair and logical. Lets only give to people that are too selfish to do it right the first time - and probably won't learn anything from it other than to do whatever they want since they get paid for poor decisions. Just like the health insurance. And the bailouts. You're completely overweight, don't try to exercise and don't change habits? Don't worry, someone else will take care of all those medical bills, go get your diabetes, heart disease, and wheelchair. You ran your gigantic company into the ground and haven't made any decisions in the past other than how to make a buck today? Don't worry, we'll give you all the money you need so you can keep right on doing what you're doing so very poorly. Lost everyone's money? Screw them, we'll give you their money to pay yourselves off for being shitty at your job. Everyone who has tried to do things right - make healthy choices; exercise; be prudent and make purchases for the long term; base decisions not only on what is right for you but right for the future, save money. Here's a big fuck you. Thanks for doing your part, now go away. But make sure to keep sending in that money. We need it for everyone else.

Whatever. Its not like this changes how I'll do stuff, but its pretty ironic that you try to do your part and the only thanks you get is 'thanks.' Well, you're real fuckin' welcome. You giant douches.

Where was I? Oh yea, staying home with the kid. More on that later - he just woke up and is shaking his cage. Errr, crib. I mean crib. What'd I say?