Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I need your vote!!

If you're one of my Friends - and I know you are - then you already know I'm trying to get a position on one of Palin's Death Panels. This job really appeals to me on many levels and since I'm remote from Cadence now I think I can squeeze this into my schedule.

I love the name of these End of Life Decision Making Boards of Supervisors and besides trying to get job on one may co-opt "Death Panel" for the name of a new band. I can't decide whether the band should be Death Metal, a five member boy band or a new Christian Rock group. I'm leaning toward a Christian Rock Death Metal Boy Band amalgamation approach. I'm going to need four strapping young 6'0"+ muscular blue-eyed blond haired man-boys dressed in all black and jackboots wearing a distorted cross on one arm and one very effeminate 5'5 slight portly illegal Mexican immigrant for the group just so no one is sure what the hell is going on. Hugo Boss will be supplying our clothing. I'm betting that we'll be at least as successful as Faith+1. I can't wait for that first myrrh album award.

Of course, I'm sure that everyone on the death panel will need masked and robed to keep our identities hidden lest we find ourselves the victim of blow back from killing off senile old crippled people, unwanted crack babies and people we just aren't really that into of or who piss us off by mowing their damn grass way way way too early on a Saturday morning.

I'm thinking Darth Vader here. Maybe we can use the same get up with the band - all black, we'd just need the armbands. Either way, I've always wanted my own Star Wars costume for Halloween, weddings and to wear while acting like a complete jackass trying to get on Versus running along some doper up a climb that I've no interest in pronouncing the name of properly since everyone should speak and spell American. I figure it could help convince Kris to get one of those Princess Leia getups from Jaba's sand skimmer rig scene too. Yea, you know what I'm talking about.

I'm not really sure how to go about getting on a Death Panel exactly though. I've been on Monster and Careerbuilder searching for a posting but nada. Maybe the stimulus check on this job creation platform hasn't been processed yet. I did see something for Solar Panels and figure they could be turned into some sort of James Bond Death Ray Panels which is close, but not exactly the same thing. I did an international search too just in case Palin Panels are actually going to be held on foreign soil.

Why international you say? Well, get this, I just found out that we can completely hide all record of their existence and won't be held to any annoying laws or inconvenient foundations supporting our democracy like the Bill of Rights or the Constitution of the United States of America if we run them in places like Cuba and Diego Garcia. I know, I know, hard to believe but its true!! I mean who could conceive of doing such a thing, right?

See the reason this works is that, apparently, our morals and convictions end as soon as we're over international waters - you can feel them lifting like a heavy wool small pox blanket gifted to an Incan baby, I'm told. Who knows how many of these folks we'll need put out of our misery by forced drownings or some other death inducing apparatus so getting Palin Panels off US soil is the best bet. I can't imagine that the government of the United States of America could ever condone that sort of action so we better make sure to keep these hidden from view.

But I'm still not sure how to get myself on a Death Panel. Application and interview? By appointment only? By vote? Maybe that's the best way we can organize these panels, by voting. If we all vote on who is on them then we can make sure that every person on Palin Panels (have you caught on to what I'm doing here - the way this works is that if you say it enough times it is true) is there to do the work of all and will not be influenced by any outside forces other than what is best for the country and what the vast majority of their constituents want. Voting for these positions will ensure that it will take much more than just yelling and screaming to thwart intelligent passioned debate over what is certainly a touchy subject.

See, there are all sorts of good reasons to get on a Palin Panel so I implore you; vote for me!! As long as you pay me lots of money in advance, when your name comes up in the Loom of Fate I'll just throw in a little sleight of hand to make sure Ang doesn't curve any bullets in your direction. Oh, umm, wait...

Please Sarah, don't pull back on the blatant lie spewing hate mongering completely misinformed rhetoric just when you have turned the tide on effective constructive and useful debate. I'm super excited by this new vocational opportunity and don't want to see it disappear like the opportunity to be a WMD inspector in Iraq.

I'm off to sacrifice someone to Coalemus now.

Don't Panic, It Ain't Real

1 comment:

brett said...

are you going all political like drunk cyclist?