Friday, December 07, 2007

Turd Sandwich

Fittingly, seeing as the last post was all about Giant Douches, how can such a little cat make so much stink? I swear he leaves behind the equivalent on one cat per day. By this I mean he takes huge stinky nasty dumps. For some unknown reason he has also decided to make the litter box at bottom the basement stairs his repository of choice. This was at one time the 3rd string crapper, but since Ryan moved in and has been making use of the stellar bike service area in the recess of the Kuhn basement the cat has taken to making the basement litter box his primary receptacle. The issue here is that the odor of his lovely deposits seems to first gather and then hang out and relax at the top of the steps and the main entrance to the house. YUMMY.

Either the cat really really likes Ryan and is hanging out in the basement so much because Ryan is always down there that the lower level box is just the most convenient OR he's trying to force Ryan out by leaving huge piles of crap wherever Ryan goes.

On to another perplexing topic. I mentioned a while bike that we got that Saturn VUE Hybrid gig and we've been pretty underwhelmed with its performance. We've determined that in order to get the mileage Saturn claims you can from their hybrid you have to drive exactly 45 mph and on dead straight dead flat highways and any time you stop you need to leave off the gas as far in advance as possible -2-3 miles is preferable - and always come to a complete stop. You have to come to a COMPLETE stop because this is the only time the engine shuts off (that's the "Hybrid" part of this baby, the motor stops completely when you stop).

Now, you would think this would be a benefit in stop and go traffic since its, well, stop and go. You'd also think that in places that have lots of stop signs and traffic lights you'd save gas. You'd be wrong -- on both accounts. See, "stop and go traffic" is a complete misnomer. Really, it should be called "go-as-absolutely-slow-as-you-possibly-can-without-stopping and go traffic." Seriously, pay attention next time rather than yappin' your jaw on the cell phone and see how often you come to a complete stop. Additionally, should you actually come to a complete stop and actually have your hybrid do what its supposed to do, if you stay stopped for anything more than 1 billionth of a second longer than the person in front of you you'll immediately attract the unbridled wrath of the drivers behind you and probably be cut off by some jackass in a mini cooper.

Kris and I were in traffic that was at a dead stop due to an accident. We hadn't moved at all for several minutes. A couple vehicles moved in front of us and we stayed stopped. The cars in front of us didn't move any more at all and there was no more than a 2-3 car gap in front of us. This giant redneck douche in a pickup behind us honked. At first we thought he was just joking around since traffic was a complete standstill. We quickly found out he was serious and from his reaction I'm sure that if he'd have had a gun he'd have tried to shoot us. I've never seen someone go so absolutely nuts - though without the audio watching someone yell, scream, and generally explode is quite humorous. Of course, I had to encourage his doucheness by waving and smiling at him...and laughing...and pointing. When traffic finally did move he cut off someone in the next lane and whipped around us to show us how tough he was. And I was definitely impressed. I could tell he was certainly tough.

Giant douche got stuck a mile late in construction traffic that's been mucking things up for months and since we're locals and know all the back roads we took the off ramp - though no more smiling and waving since I'm pretty sure the guys was a complete psycho. Hell, I kept checking the rear view to make sure he wasn't following.

Of course that's not really what's perplexing, that's just a very long tangent about a giant douche. What is perplexing is why Kristine can only get 23 mpg out of a vehicle that I can only get 26-27 out of (well that part is easy - Kris doesn't drive so much as she pilots the reentry vehicle) and is supposed to get 30-32 but never has, no matter how much I keep the damn little green light on, nor probably ever will.


fatmarc said...

wow, that's some angry stuff going on for sure. Damn, I thought this was down time.

I have a mini, with the turbo it sounds like it gets way better milage than your hybrid. That sucks.

anyway, have a great holiday and I hope I don't end up on your douche list now.


Mike W. said...

may I suggest.... if possible, no wet food, canned or pre-packaged moist, go with a dry kibble like Science Diet and a bowl of water. No off the shelf like Purina or Meow Mix. If you can, allow your cat to go mousing. It's good to kill fresh vermin (NO songbirds thank you) it's a cat's skill, makes them one with the world, very happy. I'm not so sure that this doesn't add some required nutrition also.
Of course... disregard all of this if your pet is under a vets supervision.

kenny said...

I'll get my cat and your cat and see which has the larger pile for crap. My cat will wait until either I clean the litter box or 5 minutes after I get home to crap and then have a scratching marathon for 10 minutes. As for the traffic, I feel your pain... I have a daily routine of getting cut off by giant SUVs driven by Baltimore/DC red necks while my POS jetta practicly stalls out while waiting to inch forward on RT95, and gets 33 mpg in the process.

byron said...

Oh wait...that box in the basement isn't for me to shit in? I totally thought it was. my bad!